So after about 2 years of flopping about, I have decided to take some
action. I guess what differentiates selfish ambition from pursuing God’s path
for you, is what you make out of it. There are things I like to do, and things
that people say I am good at doing. Whether I use this to blindly strive for my
own edification, or set my eyes on using it to glorify God, is what makes or
breaks the road ahead. So I have decided to go ahead with doing what I enjoy,
and do it prayerfully, do it with caution, and do it for God. If God opens
doors, I can know that I am on the right path. If God closes the doors, it’s
time to find new windows.
Usually I don’t like to tell people what I plan to do. Because it sets
me up for their expectations. Like if I tell someone, I’m going to take an exam
next week. Then next week, they will ask me, how was the exam? But when it
comes to things I embark on myself, I find it hard to be accountable, because
there are so many variables. If something doesn’t come to fruition, there’ll be
so much to explain. Sometimes I’m lazy, sometimes I work on a whim.
Lately, I am trying to take more courage to tell people. The
accountability isn’t a bad thing, I suppose. The friends who jab you and go ‘eh,
where’s that thing you said you were going to do?’ somehow works on reverse
psychology and makes me want to prove them that I can do it. Of course,
ultimately, the goal is not to prove myself, but at least that would give me
some motivation to work on things and get things moving.
In fact, a lot of my hesitation also stems from a sense of inadequacy.
People say that Virgos are perfectionists, but I think I lack that patience and
rigor to make things absolutely perfect (for arty things where ‘perfect’ is so
hard to even pinpoint). I feel that if I strive too hard to make things perfect
to the extent that I drive myself crazy in the process, I lose the sense of
enjoyment in doing it in the first place. Yet if I display imperfect art, it
will never match up to those who are better, who have a wider repertoire, who
have more polished works, etc. So I remind myself that everyone is in a process
of growing and improving their skills in something, and so am I. Any artwork is
only a snapshot of the artist I am on that day. So, I am learning to embrace
the imperfections, and not be afraid to share imperfect art.
The notion of an artist very much goes against my character of not
liking to be in the limelight. But I realized, what is art without an audience?
It’s not even about earning money or gaining fame. For art to have meaning,
people need to know about it, see/hear it, and then experience it. I used to
imagine that I would want to be a musician where people would only hear my
works and never know the person behind them. But that is hardly possible in
today’s world. The art is very much pegged to the artist, and knowing the
artist helps you understand their work. So, to me, being an artist means
exposing some extent of yourself to the world, be it your thoughts, your
beliefs, or your experiences in life. And this, honestly, scares me.
I tried to think of it in another way. What if I used this as a
platform to share a part of my life that is better shared than kept? I always
struggle with sharing the gospel, and talking about my faith with other people.
But if art can become a talking point, if I can show a testimony through my
art, if it can share Godly values, inspire people with God’s love, why not? In
a world where a lot of art is secular, promotes the edification of vices and
warped values, I think there is place for artists to spread God-honoring art. I
don’t plan on branding myself as a Christian musician or Christian handletterer
and limit myself, and my audience, to only very Biblical, worshippy, or preachy
things. But I think, even in the ‘secular’ works, the story behind it, the
values behind it, the message behind it, can be God-honoring. Besides the art
itself, the process of creating art can be a testimony – for example, by
choosing not to feature vulgarities even it if was requested by client.
All this is still very much premature and it is difficult to say if
anything will materialize out of all I say. But these are my thoughts on the
matter at the moment and I am determined to at least try. So I thank God for
clarifying my thoughts on this through the past period of time, and thank God
for the people who still want to support me in the things I endeavor to do.
I don’t know who still reads this, but if you are, please keep me in
your prayers, and look out for my upcoming projects and support ya!!!