here.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
the never-ending process

It feels like we have entered a new phase. It has been a long time and many things have happened in between. We have lost many things along the way, and we have learnt many things along the way as well. Those days, and the things we used to do…it would seem weird for us to do some of those things again. Some of them, we may never ever do again. But they create wonderful memories for you and me; of you and me.
We have grown.
I remember being so afraid of growing up. I still am afraid. But what do I have to fear, with a friend like you, and a friend like Him?
Written at 9:16 PM by EL chica.
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Monday, April 23, 2012
distance
“Are you okay? You seem so…    distant.”
“Huh, yeah. I’m always like that.”
“Oh really? Do you like it that way?”
“Erm, no? But…”

But what?



Anyway, good job to all who have survived the weeks of tests! Be glad it’s over for you at least for a while. I still have one more to go, and I’m feeling quite accepting of it. I’m not like bitter or anything that I still have one more paper. But, dear Eroica, why can’t you just stay in my mind?
Written at 10:04 PM by EL chica.
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Sunday, April 15, 2012
a break for the broken

Let’s face it. I am feeling more stress than I dare to admit.
For one, having at least 2 papers every week, on top of the regular math and bio quizzes, and daily homework ain’t gonna cease just for tests, school life is really getting hectic. I’m trying to convince myself that hey, who cares about marks, that as long as I get by it’s fine, that hey, there are many things more important than school work. But truth is, I can’t NOT care, can I? Unless I don’t mind dropping out of school or something.
Everyone knows that everyone is stressed. We see the weariness on everyone’s faces. On the surface we laugh and joke and be stupid. But inside, we are all tired.
Yet, I am holding onto this peace inside of me. I cannot say I am truly and completely at peace, but there is some of it, keeping me sane. It is a divine peace that helps me keep calm in calamity. Focus, it tells me. Don’t worry, it tells me. Patience, it tells me.
Often, we look back and go, ‘Thank God for this’, ‘Thank God for that’ but if we can see that God HAS helped us and guided us (in the past), why can’t we also think of it in another way, that God WILL help us (in future)? Don’t just thank God only when you look back. Trust in God for the future.

It is not just school. It is also the emotions, this roller coaster where I can be up and down AT THE SAME TIME. Some people are bipolar, but I am ‘concurrentlypolar’ (forgive the nonexistent word…).
Just yesterday (and even this morning, and maybe now) I was feeling this light headedness and excitement over somebody’s birthday. It was the first time I gave someone such a present that was totally free yet so priceless. That feeling of being able to give back to someone who had given me so much was great. I can’t say it was like a debt repaid, but it was a nice feeling, to know that you can do something to make somebody happy, even if for just a while.
Yet today, I felt so perplexed over many things. The true meaning was almost lost. I was texting this person and the other person and then another person all about different things and all at the same time and all through half the day. Then, physically I was with another, trying my best to empathise and encourage. Thank God though, that all that I was texting people for, worked out in the end. 


It’s actually quite amazing how I have time to do stuff like:
Doodle all over the cover of my revision notebook
Write 205 words of a chapter of a story
Practice piano for more than an hour for 3 days in a row
Scribble song lyrics all over an A5 page
Take pictures of my revision notes and scribbled song lyrics
Write half a letter
Type this
And many more…
All those irrelevant stuff that I just HAD to do or I’d go crazy facing the books and notes all day long.

It’s really okay to slack off, you know. We all need a break.

Written at 9:26 PM by EL chica.
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Monday, April 2, 2012
Late.

I really felt afraid.
But why? It was not just about being late for school. It was a test I was going to be late for. So what? What is a test to me? A couple of marks? A grade? A number? A percentage? Why did it matter?
The bus was moving inch by inch. It has been going at that rate for more than an hour on the same stretch of road.
I was scared and worried, but that didn’t change a thing. My butt was sore from sitting at my seat so long.
What would happen if I was late for the starting time? Would they wait for me? Was anyone else in my class late? Would they let me start the paper late and have less time to finish? Or would they let me have the full 50 min from when I start? Or would they shut me up in a room while my friends did their paper, and then give me a zero because I was too late?
So many questions, no answers found.
I started to pray. I prayed so hard. “Lord, let me get there in time.”
What if He had His reasons? “Lord, help me not to worry, and truly put this journey into your hands.”
There was no alternative route, unless I could fly or teleport. At that time, all I could do was wait. So I did.
Two long hours after I left my house, the bus arrived at school.
I ran.
I was in that state of heart palpitations that I think if I had to open my mouth to speak, my voice would waver. Thank God no one required me to speak. A teacher told me to go to conference room A where all latecomers would take their respective tests. I nodded, and headed off.
With the nerve-wrecking experience, I had no idea how I was going to get my mind to calm down to prepare for the test. But once seated in the room with a whole load of other latecomers, I prayed again.
 “Lord, give me a peace of mind to think coherently and clearly, and to write legibly and with good language.
“Thank you, that I still made it.”

I don’t care how well I did for the paper (at least for now). At least I did it. 
Written at 9:52 PM by EL chica.
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