REMINDER
TO SELF
I
feel like writing a post.. because.. I realized that in the times when I posted
more, I could formulate my thoughts better. In the times I’m lazy to post, or I
don’t do anything to verbalise my thoughts, it feels like I was being lazy to
think. It’s not that I didn’t think, but all the thoughts were half-baked and
floating thoughts that cycled around. Sometimes people throw me questions like ‘What
is one thing you want to improve about yourself?’ And I hesitate, not because I
think there is nothing, but because I’ve never sat down to make a list where I
can readily whip one out to say. Which also seems to imply to others that…
There’s not one conscious thing that I am working on?? But it’s not that. It’s
just that, there are many things I’m working on, and every day, or every few
days, or every few weeks, that focus can change, and it depends on what happens
in my life, where different inadequacies surface and different needs arise.
What
does it mean to be honest? If I answer your questions with ‘I don’t know’ –
sometimes I really don’t know, but sometimes I simply can’t answer your
question straightaway. Don’t blame me for not being serious or for ‘running
away’ from the question. What I answer you may not be what is in my head –
because what is in my head, sometimes is just not ready to escape from my mouth
yet. I find it a struggle when I want people to know something, but I can’t
tell that thing to them. I don’t mind telling you about me because it helps you
understand my perspective better and then we can potentially communicate
better. But sometimes the words just don’t form and I just chicken out even
when everything is already in my head like a ready-typed essay with a jammed
printer…
I
always think, it’s not that many read this blog, but I feel that I need to
justify things to myself – so that I don’t feel unnecessarily attacked when
people ‘blame’ me for not voicing out my thoughts. I know they don’t intend on
attacking me with it but it surprises me when people get the impression that I
DON’T THINK. So this is a reminder to self that it is okay…that it is not my
fault that I have a different way of processing my thoughts and timing for
speaking my thoughts to others. Although it is definitely something I can improve
on and work on, it is not something that is wrong.
LIFE
UPDATES
To
update about my life lately, I think it’s mostly good. Year 1 is over already,
and I have more or less settled into where I am at this stage of life. School
is manageable, the content is actually something I like/don’t mind studying (in
contrast to JC days when studying was a chore and I lost interest in what I was
studying), I have enough friends to get by with (and I am at a stage of not
minding walking around alone too).
Moving
on, I think I need to learn to be more proactive with what I want to do in my
life… In the past it was okay to just go with the flow and follow your friends.
But now, decisions are yours to make, and there are so many paths and choices
available. It’s the holidays now, and honestly I feel like I should be doing
something productive – go get a job, or do something meaningful, or start
something new. But I am either too lazy, too scared, or too clueless, to take
the step to do something.
Another
aspect of life that is changing is that… I have entered an age where everyone
around me is getting attached. I decide to say that in a neutral tone, because.
I SHOULDN’T be sad that I am currently single and available?? HAHA. Well
society has made it that getting attached is a thing to be celebrated (well it’s
supposed to be – I agree) and that being single aka “forever alone” is
something to be lamented (which, shouldn’t be). I guess this is a stage that
everyone would go through sooner or later – thinking about the possibility of
future partners, or whether one should even get attached, or even the question
of sexuality. For me, when I see many of my friends getting attached, a few
things run through my mind. From Aww so
cute, to I can’t imagine him/her with
a guy/girl like that (sorry for judging but… it’s true yah).
It’s
really apt that we went through this topic in peixun recently. It’s definitely
a good reminder that:
1. A God-chosen partner is
worth waiting for – trust in God’s timing
2. Dating is not for you to
tick off a checklist and see if that person fits you; but it is an exploration
of God’s plan for you
3. The two individuals
should build each other up – partners are not for fulfilling one’s own desires
4. Marriage is a covenant first
– it is not based on feelings, it is not based on love (!!)
Even
as these over-arching principles should guide my considerations, it is hard to
remind myself not to base my expectations on what the media says. I need to
remind myself that I will probably never find a Ji Chang Wook/Seo Kang Joon/Lee
Jong Suk/any other K-drama males in real life (now you can guess what dramas I’ve
been watching). And my own expectations =/= what is actually suitable for me. I
don’t know what I need, and I don’t know what God’s plan is for me (yet).
And
as I look at the guys around me, it suddenly dawned on me that people are made
up of so many things. Dating sites often can only tell you a person’s
interests. But someone’s interests, personality and beliefs, are all very
different things. There are people who smoke and go partying and drink all the
time – but they can be very kind and caring people who also do volunteer work
and treat others very well. Yet there are people who share your core beliefs,
same religion, yet have vastly different interests and habits, and very
different personality. As much as I usually tell people I don’t have an ‘ideal’
type or expectations, truth is, I guess I do have certain mental images of that
person. So now I need to tell myself, it’s not up to me to choose, but up to
God to reveal it to me slowly. Even if I stay single all my life, I would have
to consider it a blessing too.
A
personal achievement though, is that I’m learning to be more comfortable
talking to guys LOL. I used to not talk to guys much because: people tend to
tease you if you talk to many guys/talk to one guy a lot; and, guys are
generally more immature/we don’t have common topics/we can’t communicate
(oooooops). But now in uni at this age, people don’t judge you that much for
talking to people of the opposite gender anymore. We are on a more level
playing field, we are interested in life topics that both genders can give
perspectives on. I really find it quite fascinating now that I look back, from
not talking to guys at all, to suddenly having more whatsapp conversations with
guys than conversations with girls. I don’t know, it’s just really really
amusing to me. I really hope though, that by being in this place, I can be a
good source of encouragement and/or testimony to them, instead of just talking
nonsense or frivolous stuff. Work in progress yeah.
(Gonna
just end off because. Who needs a conclusion, man?? This ain’t no essay.)