Warning:
This is an incoherent post! Loads of discourse involved…
‘’When it feels like my dreams are
So far, sing to me of the plans that You have
for me over again.’’
I
guess it was the right choice to post that concert post before the concert, ha.
Post-concert blues was really… a mixture of lovesickness, jetlag and withdrawal
symptoms from a drug. I hibernated for one whole day sleeping on and off the day
after concert, and then I very determinedly planned out my study schedule. I really
want(ed)/hope(d) to prove myself again after my off-the-charts results from
BT1. Knowing it is impossible to cram 1.5 years of syllabus into my head in 3 weeks,
I just wanted to try as much as possible, to just pick it up from all that I’ve
missed.
But
hey ho no no no what is this are you doing –
Nothing
went according to plan. I guess I underestimated my fatigue after the weeks, or
months, of sacrificing time for CO. One day of hibernation was not enough and everyday
my productivity hovered at about 10%... I dozed off almost every afternoon and
after dinners were stony times.
Sometimes
I have friends who tell me they are constantly tired. I try to encourage and
motivate them, but I never really understood how anyone could really feel weary
enough to lie in bed at 3am with tears soaking in their bolster. Now I can say I
have been one step closer to that, because I did just that one night.
The
thing about some people is, they seem to read me better than I do. As I deceive
myself that l am marching on and I will conquer, they see that I am not.
‘Are
you okay?’
‘Yeah,
why not!’
‘I’m
just asking, because, how would I know, maybe you’re not.’
I guess that’s the way some people
ask ‘how are you?’ huh.
Was
I okay? What’s okay? Is being tired okay?
Being stressed?
Sometimes I tell myself I’m okay
when I’m not and someone else tells me before I know it. I’m the biggest liar
to myself. When can I learn to be honest with myself? It’s not that being ‘not
okay’ is a problem. It’s a bigger problem when the problem is not acknowledged and
it goes untreated.
I
felt the most awake yesterday in the whole of the past month. With today marking
one month after concert, hopefully I will wake up from this trance and gear up
again. Looks like BT2 will be another goner, but with no more CO, let’s hope I manage
to break out of this by prelims!
Today
I was awake enough to clear my table out of my own accord! Productive distraction
indeed. Mom says a clear table aids fengshui and will get me 4As in my studies.
I sure hope she’s not right…because my table will just get messy again soon… :/
Why
do I sound so passive! My tiredness is taking over again; too much physical
activity from clearing my table haha.
In
tiredness you really start to question what is essential enough for you to be
spending your limited energy on.
Reestablished
contact with a friend I met in China during p5 exchange programme. How kewl is
that!
Absence
makes the heart fonder? When people leave for periods of time, they make more
point to keep in touch than people who ‘just drift away’ though they may just
be in the class next to yours. Please don’t forget to visit me when you’re
backkk >)
I
gave it a shot but maybe this wasn’t the right time at all… but no time to
regret, it was in the name of serving and learning. I can’t decide whether I want
to do it again to redeem myself, or resolve to avoid it if possible because it
is just too overwhelming.
I
really can’t wait for post As and the endless possibilities of things I can do…
lately this prospect of freedom is really driving me crazy about how trapped I feel
sometimes.
Not
exactly feeling optimistic nor pessimistic now, just trying to put out all my
swimming thoughts, forgive the lack of connectors and finesse in writing K
‘’无论我往哪里去，求你与我同行，
因你的同在，是我蒙恩的确据，
即使我身在旷野，只要得见你面，
有你的同在，在黑暗中，我得见光，
在你荣耀中，在你荣耀中，
所有的一切不再重要，转眼已成空，
我别无所求，我别无所求，
只愿你同在，永远停留。’’