here.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
once again

The last concert I will ever do as a part of this orchestra is over!

I can’t believe we managed to pull it off within such a limited period of time, plus this time we were in charge of so many things by ourselves now that my batch is the senior-most.

Perhaps we have performed together many times, in a way, I feel a little numb to performances. It is too quick, we are up there whether we are ready or not, yet we make the most of every second on stage.
Backstage, I wasn’t all that excited, I wasn’t all that nervous. Getting off stage, I didn’t feel immense relief or immense regret. It was just, ‘Okay, that’s it.’

If there was more time I would’ve wanted to perfect every note, savour every sound, and feel all the music. But this time, it was a blur.

Oops, a mistake. Okay, on we go, onwards, onwards. Confidence. Eye-contact. Move. Good. On we go.

It is strange, that throughout the whole preparation period and one hour concert, I wasn’t exactly glad to be in this. Yeah, it’s the last time, it’s supposed to be fun, but I didn’t know why we were doing this. I did actually think that we are better off without a concert this year, what with the musical and all. It just sucked up more of our time. Our energy. Our feelings.

But it made us happier working on it than working on… other things. Many of us wanted this. We worked so much, we fought for this. Yet, the real enjoyment I got only came after everything.

When it is really all over and you can walk into the dressing room knowing you don’t have to be quiet anymore and you don’t have to wait anymore you don’t have to practice those pieces anymore and you don’t have to think about how fast you’re going to go and how you’re doing to coordinate and how you’re going to walk up and hold your instrument and hold your bow and which curtain to walk out from… You can scream and sing and clap and hug and dance and play ‘igobeat’ (LOL?) and go out and find your friends or wait for people to find you and see familiar people penetrating into the backstage flooding the area and the dressing rooms shouting and yelling for people they love and people they came to see and all the gifts they prepared what with the flowers and the chocolates and the Starbucks and Delifrance and cookies and Polar snacks…

It’s like tearing off the mask that people expect to see on stage. Not that we become fake on stage or anything, but with make-up and the rehearsed actions and instructions to smile, there is always a little bit of pretense on stage many times. Sometimes, it gets so frustrating during rehearsals when you’re asked to do things that have become performance culture and norms, but it just isn’t you. And when it’s over you can finally let loose and no one expects you to stay calm anymore. We are entitled to go crazy.
So, I’d like to thank every single one of the people I love and who love me who made the time to come down to watch us this last time. I hope the night had been a blast for you, the audience, as much as it had been for me, or even more.

Till next time!


Written at 4:21 PM by EL chica.
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