I think what has been hurting
me is the thought of its possibility. Now that the possibility is pushed even
further away, I guess I have learnt and will continue to learn to deal with it.
In reality, nothing much has changed, but what has changed is the perception of
it, due to the arbitrary measure of time. In reality – whatever is measurable
and conceivable – the possibility was never near at all.
Enough of abstract musings! I was
just reading in my communication studies notes that abstract language is a
major breeding ground for misunderstandings. Of course, not in those exact
words, but it is true that abstract words are prone to a wider range of
interpretations, and hence will be more easily misunderstood in place of its
intended meaning. There you go, nugget of information for the day!
Today I decided that I like
venturing to random places alone. Empty shopping malls are nice, even with the
shops closed. You can walk down the shop aisles without salesmen’s hawk-like
gazes following you across. You can walk around without bumping into people or
stopping to let people cross or maneuvering your steps around that group of
giggly schoolgirls walking waaay too slowly. Ay, you can even walk and sing or
talk to yourself and no one would care.
There is a certain peace you
get with the autonomy of going out alone. You don’t need to tell anyone where
you want to go, or what you are going to do next. The accountability and
cooperation that going out with a friend requires is all gone and reduced to
just being responsible with yourself. I’m not saying that I now dislike going
out with friends – the company of friends is still irreplaceable when you want
a good conversation with people other than the voices in your head. I’m just
saying that, going out alone is a strangely therapeutic experience that I’ve
only fairly recently learnt to embrace more of.
So summarise, the truth is, I
was out at a shopping mall on a random weekday late morning/early afternoon (to
justify myself, I was at a library studying okay!) and accidentally spent $10
on a sandwich for lunch because I had no idea what the cashier was saying when I
asked whether there’s meal and turns out the soup was $4.50?! This is one thing
I don’t like about going out alone…having to make decisions and when things go
wrong you only have yourself to blame… T.T