here.
Monday, May 22, 2017
taking a step
So after about 2 years of flopping about, I have decided to take some action. I guess what differentiates selfish ambition from pursuing God’s path for you, is what you make out of it. There are things I like to do, and things that people say I am good at doing. Whether I use this to blindly strive for my own edification, or set my eyes on using it to glorify God, is what makes or breaks the road ahead. So I have decided to go ahead with doing what I enjoy, and do it prayerfully, do it with caution, and do it for God. If God opens doors, I can know that I am on the right path. If God closes the doors, it’s time to find new windows.

Usually I don’t like to tell people what I plan to do. Because it sets me up for their expectations. Like if I tell someone, I’m going to take an exam next week. Then next week, they will ask me, how was the exam? But when it comes to things I embark on myself, I find it hard to be accountable, because there are so many variables. If something doesn’t come to fruition, there’ll be so much to explain. Sometimes I’m lazy, sometimes I work on a whim.

Lately, I am trying to take more courage to tell people. The accountability isn’t a bad thing, I suppose. The friends who jab you and go ‘eh, where’s that thing you said you were going to do?’ somehow works on reverse psychology and makes me want to prove them that I can do it. Of course, ultimately, the goal is not to prove myself, but at least that would give me some motivation to work on things and get things moving.

In fact, a lot of my hesitation also stems from a sense of inadequacy. People say that Virgos are perfectionists, but I think I lack that patience and rigor to make things absolutely perfect (for arty things where ‘perfect’ is so hard to even pinpoint). I feel that if I strive too hard to make things perfect to the extent that I drive myself crazy in the process, I lose the sense of enjoyment in doing it in the first place. Yet if I display imperfect art, it will never match up to those who are better, who have a wider repertoire, who have more polished works, etc. So I remind myself that everyone is in a process of growing and improving their skills in something, and so am I. Any artwork is only a snapshot of the artist I am on that day. So, I am learning to embrace the imperfections, and not be afraid to share imperfect art.

The notion of an artist very much goes against my character of not liking to be in the limelight. But I realized, what is art without an audience? It’s not even about earning money or gaining fame. For art to have meaning, people need to know about it, see/hear it, and then experience it. I used to imagine that I would want to be a musician where people would only hear my works and never know the person behind them. But that is hardly possible in today’s world. The art is very much pegged to the artist, and knowing the artist helps you understand their work. So, to me, being an artist means exposing some extent of yourself to the world, be it your thoughts, your beliefs, or your experiences in life. And this, honestly, scares me.

I tried to think of it in another way. What if I used this as a platform to share a part of my life that is better shared than kept? I always struggle with sharing the gospel, and talking about my faith with other people. But if art can become a talking point, if I can show a testimony through my art, if it can share Godly values, inspire people with God’s love, why not? In a world where a lot of art is secular, promotes the edification of vices and warped values, I think there is place for artists to spread God-honoring art. I don’t plan on branding myself as a Christian musician or Christian handletterer and limit myself, and my audience, to only very Biblical, worshippy, or preachy things. But I think, even in the ‘secular’ works, the story behind it, the values behind it, the message behind it, can be God-honoring. Besides the art itself, the process of creating art can be a testimony – for example, by choosing not to feature vulgarities even it if was requested by client.

All this is still very much premature and it is difficult to say if anything will materialize out of all I say. But these are my thoughts on the matter at the moment and I am determined to at least try. So I thank God for clarifying my thoughts on this through the past period of time, and thank God for the people who still want to support me in the things I endeavor to do.


I don’t know who still reads this, but if you are, please keep me in your prayers, and look out for my upcoming projects and support ya!!!
Written at 11:55 AM by EL chica.
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Saturday, March 4, 2017
When at crossroads, read this
Some disjointed bits of things from today’s fellowship, for people facing the cross-roads of life. Definitely not all-encompassing and comprehensive, but definitely little reminders that we often could forget.

God’s guiding light doesn’t pave the whole way ahead in light all at once; but He is a candle that shows you one step at a time. If we know the whole way ahead of time, we may cease to trust in God, and become overconfident. Or, we may become even more afraid at what we know is to come. Faith is believing in the unseen. If we already know what is going to happen, where is the faith?

No one person’s path is better than another. It doesn’t mean that working as a pastor, or working in a church, makes you a better servant of God. We can be Christians in the world, to show Christ to people in the secular world. How can we be fearful of a secular industry, and as Christians, shun it – wouldn’t that only make that industry even more secular? Why not be the light in the darkness? There needs to be Christians who let people see that there is still hope in this world, and bring them a taste of the sweetness of Christ, even outside of the church. Sportspeople, artists, entertainers – they, too, are placed there to glorify God.

God gives us spiritual gifts, and that is our first clue as to where we ought to go. How do we differentiate a passion from a burden? A dream versus a conviction? God doesn’t dangle a signpost in front of us and tell us exactly where to go. Even if He did, we may not see it! But we can be sure that the gifts He gives us is to be used for His kingdom. Explore the gifts, hone them, and practice them with love. Be wary not to lose sight of your ultimate purpose to glorify Him. Seek first His kingdom, and in His time, He will open the right doors for you.

Prayer is so important, but it is even more important to make sure we pray correctly. Prayer is not just talking to God and telling Him our wishes. That should be done to a wishing well. Proper prayer includes aligning our hearts to God’s will. As we seek His will, we can pray persistently, and we can have confidence that God will answer our prayers, because then what we want, is also what God wants. Prayer is also amazing because it helps us to be more sensitive to God’s presence in our lives. When we wait upon the Lord, and see how He answers our pleas, we can truly see Him working, and see His glory unfold.



Written at 8:39 PM by EL chica.
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Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Remember, and onwards
Remember. After every significant event that God led them through, the Israelites built little stone towers, rock monuments, altars, markers. Why go to all that trouble? To remember. I used to think it’s just a cute little tradition for them, like, oh, okay, they’re gonna build something there so their children can see it and remember that spot where God led them through the Jordan river. But in an era where we say ‘unless we have a photo on Instagram, this event never happened’, it seems to be true that humans really need tangible things to help us remember things.

But why is it important to remember? Many people have tried keeping a journal or diary at some point of their lives or another, some keep blogs, some people reduce it to twitter, snapchat, photos on Instagram… Whatever it is, why do we find it important to document our lives? I don’t think many of us are going to be famous celebrities or world-revolutionary great people who people will want to dig up our life stories to write a biography. For some of us, it’s simply sharing our lives so our friends and family know that we’re alive and well, for some, we just keep memories of the happy things so we can remember them and be happy again. But for this act of documentation to be, well, documented in the Bible, it has to be significant enough on a deeper level. Why does God want us to remember things?

Remembering helps us to give thanks. Many a times, we don’t realise how blessed we are until we look back and discover how things worked out better than we imagined. When we are in the midst of the adversity, all we think of is the problem, but after time has passed and the problem is solved, we get the chance to appreciate all the people who helped us along the way, marvel at all the little turn of events that brought us out of the storm, heave a sigh of relief and truly be thankful that it is all over. Remembering the past helps us to attribute due glory to the One who guided us every step of the way, to remember our own helplessness, and remember who God is. God is God regardless of whether anything happened or not, but as humans, we need more tangible things to help us know who God is. So, recalling things that have happened better helps us remember Him as a God of mercy, grace, and faithfulness.

Remembering the past gives us wisdom for the future. This is what they all say in history class: knowing history helps us learn from past mistakes. But in the Bible and the rest of history, we know that in fact, people do often commit the same mistakes and live in cycles of wrong-doing and suffering. This is because there is already sin in this world, and people are inclined to do wrong, whether they know it or not. But as one person, remembering the past can have great value in personal growth. It helps us to remember the stupid things we’ve done before, remember what works and what doesn’t, and help us to make better choices in future. It can help us to live an increasingly edifying life, so that we don’t live in our own cycle of sin and condemnation.


So, after my 500-word essay on “What It Means To Remember” (lol!), it would be apt for me to do some throwback to my life in 2016, so that I can look back in future and not think that I’ve done utterly nothing this year!

2016 is a year where I’ve:

Completed year 2 sem 1 of uni. Besides being a place to learn and study, uni is a place where I feel I need to practice being more Christ-like in. Much as I want to be a social recluse and mind my own business, it is unavoidable that I need to meet and interact with people in tutorial discussions, and lunchtime conversations, and group projects. So I thank God that He gave me a chance to have a weird friend who has a super different worldview from me to talk to and try to be more confident of sharing my views and beliefs. Also, I had a strange project group where people were hardworking but used very very inefficient methods to get things done (how does that work!) but it really trained my patience and trained me to think of how to react in a God-honouring manner (i.e. not just boycotting their efforts and tanking everything myself, but still trying to maintain harmony and cooperation).
Studies-wise, I consciously tried to be more hardworking this previous sem, by not being so last-minute, typing out my notes after every few lectures instead of waiting till right before the quizzes. But I realized, the harder I worked, the more I became conscious about how my efforts would translate into my results. Previously, I struggled with the notion of what it meant to ‘do your best’. I felt that, even though I was seemingly putting more effort, I was becoming more stressed, and when I was more stressed, I felt that I couldn’t really do my ‘best’. So I decided that for me, doing my best means simply to do everything conscientiously, without regrets, not focusing on the outcome, but just drawing on strength from God and trusting in Him for the rest. This will be a balance I will continue to work on and discover, so hopefully, next year will be better!

Discovered new grounds. I’ve discovered new grounds by exploring the country a bit during the summer break. Thankful for adventurous buddies to be with to go to islands and animal cafes and museums and stuff together! Also ventured overseas without parents/school for the first time in my life, tried quite a few theme park rides that I never would have wanted to try, discovered new things about my friends, and about the world. Tried to be more active with my photography too as I go around places, so I’m pretty glad at least that my camera isn’t growing mould!

Explored new relationships. 2016 is really quite an interesting year for me in terms of relationships, and I don’t mean only romantic relationships, but relationships in general. For a uni kid who has no more ‘form class’ unlike in primary or secondary or JC, my core friends base is mostly my JC classmates (Morose!) and church friends, plus a handful of random one-to-one friendships. So it’s quite weird that from these long-time network of friends, there can emerge new dynamics, people who became closer, and people who drifted off. For one, uni friends seriously make me question what the definition of a ‘friend’ is. When does a colleague become an acquaintance, and an acquaintance become a friend? And then those long-time-no-see friends who we text like maybe three times a year – we do think fondly of one another, but we don’t find it a need to meet up or catch-up so often – what is the value of those friendships? And then the ever-elusive question plaguing mankind: is it possible for a guy and a girl to remain just good friends forever? Through this year of talking to many more guys than I probably ever talked to in the previous 18 years of my life, it made me realise how weird the world is. How media has influenced the idea of relationship maneuvering in different people, how some of them seriously romanticize the whole thing, some of them think dating (where all relationships can potentially become a date!) is a game, and how so few of them can simply just honestly and openly seek to build a trusting relationship (friends or otherwise). Even amongst girl friends, I see how they can get jaded, like, oh, ‘all men are the same!’ as they bring up stories of friends of friends getting dumped and all, but turn the other way and go ‘last long!’ in any insta post with a guy and girl looking remotely close (they don’t care that some of those people are actually just siblings??). It’s sad and scary to see how the world’s ideologies have become so much a part of us, that we fail to go back and really think about what we seek in these relationships, what is a God-pleasing relationship, and how are we supposed to behave in healthy and genuine relationships.

Found the love of my life. This year, I’ve received one of the biggest blessings I could ever have, one that I never deserved, and never could have expected. It gives me so much warmth, so much hope, and so much excitement. It comforts me to know that from this way on out, I am not walking alone but I have someone beside me to be my pillar and safety net. It’s humbling to be able to have someone act as my mirror, to see myself better, express myself better, and grow into someone better. It’s amazing to see how much someone can love you, and just so only begin to imagine how immensely more God loves us. It’s a privilege to have someone I can channel love to, and learn to be more selfless, caring, and truly know that it is better to give than to receive. It’s exciting to look forward to all the adventures we will go on together, the times we will strive on together, and help each other to grow and bless others. I really thank God for you everyday.

As I wrote this post, the New Year has arrived, and it seems also apt that we need something to go forward on, instead of just looking back. I don’t usually do resolutions unless I’m forced to come up with one (in those random group conversations or goal-setting things). For me, a year is quite an arbitrary time-marker, and we don’t need to set a goal for a year – a goal can be set for any time, and can be set and re-set again as and when we achieve them, or decide we need to work on something else. There are also big goals and mini goals and tangible goals and intangible ones, so to me it’s scary when I tell someone that I set out to do ‘this’, and then it turns out that I don’t achieve it or make any ostensible progress in it, it is difficult to tell them about your progress and they see it as a lack of progress. It’s discouraging. But some goals are a matter of what is in your head – you might be slowly trying to change your perception or attitude, but the results aren’t immediately obvious, or takes a lot of time to overcome. I think that’s okay. Some changes take longer than others, and we shouldn’t be discouraged by people who don’t see the whole picture, but instead remind ourselves why we set out to make that change in the first place.

So instead of having a checklist-style of resolutions or goals, my resolutions nowadays come in the form of a list of things that I hope to work on, or focus on. They are directions more than destinations, and whether I take 100 steps or 10 steps in the right direction, I will still count it as progress and be encouraged to continue to strive on.

My 2017 “resolutions”:

Continually strive to grow in my relationship with God.

Be more courageous in proclaiming God’s faithfulness, love, truth, righteousness to others.

Learn how to love more.

Explore and hone my musical knowledge and skills.



Written at 11:18 AM by EL chica.
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